The once distant dream of marriage has become a reality for LGBT couples as more states and countries open their doors to marriage equality. As same-sex marriage becomes more mainstream, Pamela Milam, a counselor who is also a lesbian, has released a book for gay couples who are soon to be wed or who just want to improve their relationship.

In this interview with LGBTQ Nation, Milam says that LGBT couples may face different issues than married couples - for example, degrees of “outness.” She says the community needed a book like this tailored just for them.

However, it’s very clear that many of the issues talked about, like communication and respect for one another, hold true whether a couple is gay or straight. A blurb from the interview:

In the gay community, people strive to find a feeling of belongingness. Many LGBT folks spend so much time trying to fit in that they forget who they are as individuals. There is a real danger of becoming “a gay cliché” instead of one’s actual self. I’ve seen plenty of gays and lesbians lose sight of what makes them different, apart from being gay, and that’s something that needs to change. Gayness is an identifier, but it doesn’t have to be the identifier.

Do you see this kind of book as needed in the LGBT community? Is it important to offer marriage advice specifically for gay couples, or does that further the argument that gay couples are somehow different from straight couples?

Anonymous asked: I find myself conflicted. I've identified as straight my entire life, and even have had a fwb relationship on and off for the past year with a guy. However, I find myself attracted to women from time to time. Like at parties, or around town, I'll see a woman and find myself increasingly attracted to her. I can't imagine myself being in a relationship with a woman, though. I might be able to consider having sex with a woman, in fact I've felt turned on by women before, but I don't think I could carry on an actual relationship. And I don't feel like these are alcohol induced attractions, or even just a passing, "wow, she looks great." I know I can't ask anyone if I'm bisexual, it's really something I need to discover for myself, but I'd really like an opinion on the matter, I guess.

If you can’t see yourself falling in love with a woman or having a real relationship with a woman, it’s unlikely that you’re bisexual. Bicurious, maybe, but bisexuality generally implies romantic as well as sexual attraction. Plenty of straight girls also find girls attractive from time to time. Experimenting is all part of growing up, and it doesn’t have to make you reconsider who you are. I hope that helps! 

d00mcupcake asked: This is a kind of weird question.. but how do you know if your a lesbian\or just bisexual. Recently I started liking guys more and then it changes to girls.
WTF?

Sounds like you’re not ready to put a label on it just yet, which is totally okay - there’s no rush. Eventually, you’ll meet people, fall in love and realize what you’re into, and at some point, if you’re the label-seeking type, you’ll just know which suits you. But remember, labels aren’t important as long as you do what makes you happy! Hope that helps! 

lillithxlotus asked: Is it possible to be biromantic and bisexual at the same time? I've been attracted to both men and women for as long as I can remember, but I've never been in a sexual relationship with either, or look forward to it.

If you’re attracted to men and women romantically and sexually, bisexual should pretty much cover it. My knowledge of the term biromantic is that it applies to an asexual person who’s romantically but not sexually attracted to both sexes. Basically, bisexual (to me) implies physical and emotional attraction, whereas biromantic (again to me) implies just emotional attraction. So no, I don’t believe you can be both at once. However, others may disagree with me. 

Anonymous asked: Here's my issue: I know I'm a pansexual. I'm attracted to people based on who they are. I'm definitely attracted to both sexes. That's all fantastic on the surface, but when I think about dating, I get nervous. I know what I like, but I've never been with anyone before, so I don't know how to go about it. I live in the South, so it's not like you can assume anyone here is gay. And it's not AS easy to meet girls here; girls being with guys is the norm here. So, my question is this: How do I meet people when I'm not confident and when I'm unsure of how to go about it? I wouldn't mind experimenting, but I'm nervous. Got any advice?

The same way you met the friends you already have: be cool, be yourself and find common ground. Do some research, ask around and find out where local LGBT kids hang out in your town. You’re certainly not the only one, and the others probably also want someplace to hang out with like-minded people. Bring a friend to a coffee shop or other local hangout and strike up a conversation with the cool-looking people at the next table. Go to a concert with a group of friends and talk to the people waiting near you in line. Meeting people can be scary, but at least you’ve figured out who you are and what you like. The rest will fall into place once you find someone to experience it with. Good luck - you’ll do great. 

Anonymous asked: I am a fem lesbian and I have to admit I am frustrated. Its difficult for women to even notice me because most of the time they have no clue that I am gay. Everyone assumes I am straight when they first meet me. Am I the only one that feels like this? I get compliments from men on occasion and I am flattered but obviously thats not what I am into. I feel like I get looked over by the women that are gay that peak my interest. I always become super shy when I see women I am attracted to. I am not even sure what to do what should I say? I don't feel comfortable saying "oh hi you are cute are you gay?" .I tell myself to just let love come if its meant to be but its difficult. I constantly feel like I will never find the woman for me and thats disheartening.

Nope, you’re not the only one who feels like this. Femme lesbians and bi girls sometimes have to try more obvious ways to “look” lesbian or bi, like dropping hints about movies or books they’re into, wearing rainbow accessories, going to certain places, etc. It’s really frustrating and obviously dressing or acting a certain way isn’t automatically associated with liking girls, but the “straight-acting” label usually comes with the price of having to be less than subtle around girls you like. But that doesn’t mean you have to act that way - you’re better off being yourself and just flirting a little when you think it might be worth it. I do believe lots of lesbian and bi women have a pretty strong gaydar for figuring out what other women are gay, even if they’re femme. The love of your life is not going to pass you by because she thinks you’re straight. Stay confident and be yourself and it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. Thanks for reading! 

Anonymous asked: I need advice. I'm like 99% sure I'm a lesbian. But something is kind of stopping me from telling people. It's actually kind of a stupid question. So I've liked guys before. Like I've had a boyfriend, and I had a thing with another guy and we kissed and stuff like that. And I liked it. I've always had crushes on male celebrities in bands and obsessed over them like in middle school. But I used to like my best friend, and we almost kissed a few times, and I held her hand and we did stuff like that, but it never got to the point where we dated. I've had crushes on other girls as well. But I had fantasies about the girls WAY more than I did with the guys I liked. But I still cared and had feelings for them. But now, two years after the best friend, and one year after the boy, I feel like I don't like guys AT ALL. Like I never look at them like I do girls. Girls make me feel butterflies and guys make me angry. And nothing bad has ever happened to me because of guys. Maybe I just realized I hate how they act? I don't know. And It's making me feel like I'm not truly gay because I used to like guys A LOT. But now I feel like I never want to have sex with them, only women. I need to know why. Maybe there isn't an explanation. But if I had one, I'd feel more comfortable telling people I was gay. I'm pretty sure I'm not bi. I used to think I was but I didn't feel the need to come out, unless I had a girlfriend. But now I don't even WANT a boyfriend. Ever. I'm confused.

A lot of lesbian women had boyfriends or liked guys previously. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out who you really are, even at this stage and even when you’ve dated or had physical relationships with both sexes. If you feel like you’re a lesbian, you’re a lesbian. The past doesn’t have to matter - it’s all about how you feel now. Remember, though, that labels aren’t everything. Even lesbians get crushes on guys, and they are still lesbians. If you’re uncomfortable not knowing what category you fit into, use the label that you truly feel fits you the best, even if your past doesn’t line up with it. I hope that helps! 

Anonymous asked: I am a high school student who is trying to get her schoolboard to integrate LGBT issues into the health curriculum. My town is pretty open-minded, but students only learn about STD prevention and other health issues in straight relationships. Do have any suggestions, or arguments that I can use? Any help would be greatly appreciated!

I don’t know a lot about this, as it’s really hard to change curriculum without the support of some big-time school officials and legislators. If you have the good fortune of knowing someone who can enact that kind of change, use numbers. It’s commonly thought that 10% of people are LGBT, and that applies to high schoolers too. Those students deserve sexual education relevant to them. Simple as that. Good luck! 

Anonymous asked: It's it strange that I'm uncomfortable with being called bi? My boyfriend has decided to label me that because I enjoy other women sexually. I'm not attracted to them in the relationship sense though and would never date a woman. For that reason, I feel as if it's unfair to label myself as a part of the LGBT community because I don't experience the same struggles as someone who wants to date someone of the same gender. Thoughts?

It’s not strange, but it doesn’t have to do with struggles. If you don’t identify as bi, that’s okay. Plenty of straight girls find women attractive and still consider themselves straight. However, the label of gay, bi, lesbian or whatever else does not come from identifying with the community based on mutual struggles. It’s about mutual emotional growth, similar mental processes and the common understanding of what everyone’s going through, even though every experience is different. You don’t necessarily have to struggle to be a part of it. So in short, nope, it’s not strange. If you don’t feel bi, you’re not bi. Hope that helps!